The Onion Radio News Podcast updated listening

Make-A-Wish Foundation Strongly Criticized After Dying 14-Year-Old Crashes Jet

National Machete Association Speaks Out Against Machete-Control Legislation

Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible

Area Man Unsure What To Do With All The Extra Ketchup Packets

God Loses Decision-Making Coin

Company You’ve Never Heard Of Wants To Reward You For Your Good Credit

Bananas Sweep Primates’ Choice Awards Again

Stoned Underage Drunk Driver Calls America A Fascist Police State

Haggar Physicists Develop ‘Quantum Slacks’

Unemployed Businessman Has Time For Headache

New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life

Street-Smart Teen Found Dead In Library

Boyfriend Vows To Try Harder

Giant Blood Clot Dislodges From Your Femoral Artery

Scientists Say Lifelike Pleasure-Bot Nowhere Near Tested Enough

Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog

Siberia Gets Light Bulb

Congress Overturns Ban On Lawn Darts

Internet Collapses Under Sheer Weight Of Baby Pictures

Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself

Voice-Activated GPS System Takes ‘Top Gun’ Soundtrack Fan Into The Danger Zone

Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

Horrifying Clamato Nursery Discovered In Mott’s Dungeon

Area Fry-Cook Learns Leaving Restaurant Industry Isn’t That Easy

Film School Graduate Bad-Mouths Film School

Girl In Park Acts Like It’s No Big Deal She’s Wearing Bikini

Jesus Surprises ‘700 Club’ With Walk-On Appearance

Infant Doing Everything In Her Power To Save Parents’ Relationship

Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word ‘Comfortable’

Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby’s Raising

Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

Bird Has Big Plans For New Cage

Stripper Failing School She’s Working Herself Through

Nation In Love With Girl From Record Store

Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand

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